Not to sure how i feel :/

Okay so today is a pretty confusing day for me... I'm not sure how to explain how I feel... I don't really not what's going round in my head, I just feel I dunno, not right, i feel a bit strange, or not right and a bit out of it. Its really hard to explain this feeling I have. I kinda feel like I'm not fully with it, yet I havn't had anything sedating or anything... I'm just not "myself". . .



Its almost like a feeling or experience i used to get alot where i feel like I'm not really here, living and being part of my daily life, I almost feel as though I'm sitting on the outside watching as an observer, not living my life if that makes any sense. I'm feeling pretty confused to be honest so not sure any of this will make any sense at all, but really i guess i am just trying to make sense of what's going on for me in my head right now.

I feel like I'm being torn in all sorts of directions... so much going on and its probably just back at that overwhelming stage, i dunno. I don't even really know where to start... I mean its coming up to Christmas which I'm really not looking forward to in all honesty and its getting closer and closer. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that mum will be moving away soon, and I'm not sure how often I am going to be able to see her. Money is tight and I havn't been able to afford to fly down to Melbourne for ages, its been a year and a half since I last went down, so its going to be hard to fly up north. I want her to go, I want her to be closer to Jamie so that she is happier and they actually get some time together but I dunno... this is all hard. I'm having a hard time dealing with VMT finishing, and its reminding me of other stuff, finishing with M in may, and others that I have lost or have had to say goodbye to especially this past year. I'm stressing about all this stuff with work, and the police report, about what's happening with my support structure... just so many things.

Once again i have no clue what i was planning to write, i'm just trying to write to keep myself semi sane, to stop things building up so much, to help keep myself safe, to keep on top of my urges and thoughts. i dunno, i guess in a way i'm keeping myself and my actions accountable because if i screw up people are going to know. I don't want to keep going down hill, i really want to keep myself safe, on track and okay. I'm just worried as i feel each day i'm slipping that little bit more. I am absolutely terrified of getting so unwell again that i have to go back into hospital. Its been a long time since that has happened and i will feel like more of a screw up if i ruin my good run and end up back there. Not that i'm saying that going to hospital is bad when your unwell, its far from that, I think its the right thing to do, its just I have been in that cycle for so many years and now that i have finally escaped I don't want to risk myself going back there. where I often feel the only way i can be kept safe is if I'm in hospital. I need to be more responsible and accountable for my thoughts actions and behaviours which I wasn't for so long.

I really really want to be ok... I want my mood to lift, I want to feel ok, both mentally and physically. . . I am trying, but I feel like that isn't good enough because I feel I am continuing to get worse each day.