I was pretty upset, emotional and angry also when writing this... just a word of warning... I'm gonna post the writing tasks about the actual ending process and then next how I'm feeling now...
I've just typed out what I wrote... I have read it and wanted to add a note here before you read it. I wrote this on the night of week 9, with only one week to go until the goodbye. I was really upset and hurt and clearly i wasn't thinking the most rationally. I am still, here, ok a week and 1 day later. There is some intense emotions and expressions in here, could be a bit full on for some, its just how i felt at the time... I'm about to do my next entry now tho about how I'm doing today...
GOODBYE.....
I choose to write in blue coz it fits my mood. This word...Seriously? lets just head fuck me some more. I make it clear to everyone that this shit messes with my head, and this as the final piece? Like how the fuck am i supposed to process a writing task about this.... and ending in one week? I don't have anyone really i can talk to about this shit. Its already a massive issue that I have been trying to deal with this year, especially the last few months. I fucked up again. I let more people near me that is leading to yet another lot of goodbyes, months of fucked up thoughts, tears day and night, pain agony, and that re-occurring theme of grief, of loss, of the endless list of goodbye's i've been made to say, or never been able to. You know what? I'm really fucking pissed off about this.
This fucking writing task adding to my pain. Making me think of even more people, more situations that are upsetting me, making me mad, making me want to self destruct. If i didn't want to fuck up yet another goal, coz i fail and fuck up pretty much all my goals. But im achieving this.... I HAVE TO.... I am holding on to being able to cut again. I cant wait for that release. I feel like writing a list of all the names, people, events creating an expressional piece of art work with my skin, blood and a blade. i've cut peoples names into my legs before when the pain of loosing them is fucked, full on and intense. I feel like doing it again. Like a hall of fame list, except my list will be a hall of pain and shame.
I wish i could erase the whole concept, the word, the meaning, memories, emotions everything around the "goodbye" word. I fucking hate it. It makes me so mad. it hurts like a fucking bitch. it irritates me, it pisses me off because i fall for peoples crap over, believeing them when they say that they will be there for me. But when it counts no-one is. Like classic example, today after leaving VMT, i spent 2 and a half hours calling people and could get on to no one. None of the people i even left messages for called me back. I was battling with urges to cut, i was battling with eating, my head messing with me, despite being hungry i could not eat because i had such an intense hate and disgust for myself and my body going on. I was freaking out about KK at home, and this whole VMT finishing shit. I was a mess. Trying to keep it together. I couldnt bring myself to get on that train. Yet sitting there with a constant stream of trains was triggering me so bad that i wanted to say goodbye to the whole world as i pictured myself going under one of those trains.
It will be easier when VMT finishes, there will be no-one checking in on me, so if i feel the need to say goodbye at least it will be easier. For once i wont have to deal with the pain, it will be other people getting a fraction of an idea of how much all these goodbyes hurt me. Coz its really fucking painful. These "goodbyes" aren't fucking good so the word is fucking stupid and makes no sense. I never even get a chance to deal with, to recover from one goodbye, before another 1, 2 or 3 are forced upon me. Seriously fuck it. This hurts. I'm better off being a hermit. keeping my walls up, building them up, making them stronger and staying silent. Fuck this. So mad, so upset. I cant even explode because if KK sees me upset she will want me to stop writing thinking this is making me worse, which yes in a way it is, but now this theme is well and truly stuck in my head. Its in my head even more then it was when S mentioned VMT only having 3 weeks left. Fuck i am so mad for ever opening up, to B, to S, to the girls, I wasn't going to, i crumbled, fucked up my plan, let down my defences and have left myself feeling vulnerable and hurt all over again. Will i ever learn? No probably not, until i stop talking.
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