Kittens...

Tough times...

Well I havnt written for a while..... life has been chaotic, difficult and complicated.....

Not been so easy to deal with life of late.... I havnt been able to write at all for a while.... Its just not happening right now... am struggling and cant let things out coz they will snowball..... it could get even harder and messier... i need to take the safe option, at the moment that means keeping my head in control and keeping things contained!

sorry so there is nothing exciting to write.... 

Il come back and write more when i can

Im still alive....

Just a quick Check in....

Just a quick short check in to let people know I'm still alive and kicking!

Got through X-mas really well, better then i had expected actually.... and I'm so glad KK & I had our first Xmas together as a happy memorable one... we also added 2 babies to our family.... I'll give you a peek in a minute...

I'm really pleased with how I have been going.... i got myself started back on an antidepressant that I've used in the past and I'm really hoping its gonna help take the edge of the lows a little.... I've been getting a fair bit of sleep.... although my back pain has been pretty bad the last few days, and seems to be building to a peak again, i was crying and crying last night in so much pain, it was horrible.... I guess I'm lucky its not like that every day anymore....

So who wants to see the little babies new to The BB & KK family???

  So this is skittles, with my ted, as a comfort item, which is very wet and covered in cat slober!

And this is Milkyway! 

We got these little cuties as an early x-mas present, adopted them from an animal welfare group and they are fitting into our house hold very well, proving to be a good distraction and mood enhancer! 

Anyways, i said this was gonna be quick, i just wanted to show off these little cuties, and il try to get back to writing properly soon, the last few weeks has just been madness!

Not to sure how i feel :/

Okay so today is a pretty confusing day for me... I'm not sure how to explain how I feel... I don't really not what's going round in my head, I just feel I dunno, not right, i feel a bit strange, or not right and a bit out of it. Its really hard to explain this feeling I have. I kinda feel like I'm not fully with it, yet I havn't had anything sedating or anything... I'm just not "myself". . .



Its almost like a feeling or experience i used to get alot where i feel like I'm not really here, living and being part of my daily life, I almost feel as though I'm sitting on the outside watching as an observer, not living my life if that makes any sense. I'm feeling pretty confused to be honest so not sure any of this will make any sense at all, but really i guess i am just trying to make sense of what's going on for me in my head right now.

I feel like I'm being torn in all sorts of directions... so much going on and its probably just back at that overwhelming stage, i dunno. I don't even really know where to start... I mean its coming up to Christmas which I'm really not looking forward to in all honesty and its getting closer and closer. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that mum will be moving away soon, and I'm not sure how often I am going to be able to see her. Money is tight and I havn't been able to afford to fly down to Melbourne for ages, its been a year and a half since I last went down, so its going to be hard to fly up north. I want her to go, I want her to be closer to Jamie so that she is happier and they actually get some time together but I dunno... this is all hard. I'm having a hard time dealing with VMT finishing, and its reminding me of other stuff, finishing with M in may, and others that I have lost or have had to say goodbye to especially this past year. I'm stressing about all this stuff with work, and the police report, about what's happening with my support structure... just so many things.

Once again i have no clue what i was planning to write, i'm just trying to write to keep myself semi sane, to stop things building up so much, to help keep myself safe, to keep on top of my urges and thoughts. i dunno, i guess in a way i'm keeping myself and my actions accountable because if i screw up people are going to know. I don't want to keep going down hill, i really want to keep myself safe, on track and okay. I'm just worried as i feel each day i'm slipping that little bit more. I am absolutely terrified of getting so unwell again that i have to go back into hospital. Its been a long time since that has happened and i will feel like more of a screw up if i ruin my good run and end up back there. Not that i'm saying that going to hospital is bad when your unwell, its far from that, I think its the right thing to do, its just I have been in that cycle for so many years and now that i have finally escaped I don't want to risk myself going back there. where I often feel the only way i can be kept safe is if I'm in hospital. I need to be more responsible and accountable for my thoughts actions and behaviours which I wasn't for so long.

I really really want to be ok... I want my mood to lift, I want to feel ok, both mentally and physically. . . I am trying, but I feel like that isn't good enough because I feel I am continuing to get worse each day.

2 days after "goodbye"

Okay so its now wednesday... I'm not sure what I'm planning to write at this stage.... I'm just gonna write and see what comes out... there's been no planning involved here. I have been pretty emotional and well and truly all over the place over the last little while, but especially the last week or so. But i want to point out i have stayed safe for the ppl who expressed concern about how i was doing... im here, okay and alive...

I guess i handled the actual session and goodbye thing on Monday okay, alot better then I thought I would, (with the aid of lots of support and a Valium). I went into that room in the morning, not sure what to think. I did know one thing. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to get emotional. I didn't want to let anyone any closer to me as it was already hurting alot. I ended up having my walls smashed down by miss S again... must say i wasn't to impressed that she got me talking, and was even less impressed she got me to open up and had me crying there in front of everyone. I felt like a total tool to be honest. Part of me desperately wanted to speak but I also had part of me not wanting to allow any more connection or closeness to occur because it hurt so bad. I walked out during it at some point when it all got to much. I sat out for some of it as i couldn't bring myself to participate so i just sat there in my seat lost in my head and they did stuff at the other end of the hall. I know at one stage there was lots of screaming and yelling randomly out of nowhere that scared the shit out of me. I don't like yelling at the best of times, but when it happens out of nowhere in a room like that, shit man it freaked me out. It felt weird, because i couldn't hear what was going on down the other end of the hall then i just heard all this yelling. Guess in a way its my own fault for not telling anyone about my fear of people yelling, and about the whole hearing issues but i managed to get through the ten weeks, no hearing aid, massive ear infection and it only got to me a few times that i couldn't hear what the hell was going on in that room.

I had to turn up on Monday as when i was upset a few nights ago i spent a few hours making cards with some of my scrap-booking stuff for all the girls and S & B in a way to try and make the whole closure thing a bit easier. I think it did help, but not really sure. I wanted to be able to give all the girls their cards and i had to be there to do that. I didn't want to have regrets for the next however many months or years or the what ifs? i had to go and give myself a chance to deal with and try say good bye and get closure.


I went out with the girls after VMT for pictures at a Japanese photo booth, and then had lunch with some of them and spent some time in the city which was good, but i still don't know what to think. Its still hurting a crazy amount. I'm still really mad at myself for allowing any sort of connection, bond, attachment, or whatever people want to call it occurring. I wanted to go there and not have this happen, just learn ways to cope better, but im really really confused.

I mean its really hard in that environment to not let this happen, with the people being who they were. I dont know. I think miss S has a lot of explaining to do, she seems way to good at getting stuff out of me and getting me to say stuff i don't want to, or normally wouldn't share. I've never known anyone to be able to beat my stubbornness like that. Generally if i havn't wanted stuff to come out it doesn't, but somehow she always seems to get it out. Then B also . . . she saw me in a really vulnerable position, she came with me, took me to the hospital after week 1 of VMT when some stuff came up that really triggered me and i had to go to E.D at R.B.H. To be honest the bits i remember i was terrified, i was not really sure what was going on, what they were going to do to me. I was in a lot of pain with my back. I had all these horrible memories that had come up during VMT in my head, but I was also bombarded with memories of take downs in mental health units in the past, of being held down and jabbed, of being in seclusion, being strip searched, being made to have E.C.T (shock therpay - aka fry my brain), having meds forced on me, being punched by random other patients when in P.I.C.U. being treated like shit, all because i was so unwell i wanted to end my life. They certainly didn't help with my wanting to be alive treating me that way.  I was terrified that would happen again, and B saw me when i was reintroduced to a similar environment, in a locked up assessment facility thing at the hospital. Both B & S saw some very vulnerable parts of me that not many people have, and it scared me, but i don't know. Something kept me going back each week. I think it was because i was so desperate to get a life free from all of this.

So yeah this is making much sense, im just writing as stuff comes into my head... im thinking when i read back over this its gonna be pretty all over the place....

I know i got to be strong and keep pushing on, but part of me wants to shut down so bad. I sit here and feel the tears building up again as i remember why im writing this, and that VMT is over. We have that meet up Feb some time, but im not sure what to think about that either. I don't know how il go. Not seeing them all, being in that environment, and then just start to deal with that, get used to it being over, then meet up again and bring it all back up and mess with my head some more.


Today is the 14th, so im almost at my goal of no cutting for 11 weeks.... i need to do a bit of writing and exploring about this to be honest as im a little confused about what i think and feel. Part of me knows that if i let myself cut after reaching my goal im going to have that release and enjoy it, remember it more, and want it more. That means i risk it becoming a regular habit and coping mechanism again. But then part of me thinks i need a release after all these weeks and doing it once or twice might help me to keep going over this shit time of  year, and while everyone, support people etc are away on holidays etc. I know i have been struggling with suicidal thoughts a bit and in the past they are more intense when im not cutting, so im not sure whether over this time of no-one really being around whether its safer to let the build up out with cutting rather then letting the suicidal thoughts take over and that happen, since its been almost 2 yrs since i attempted to take my life, and over a year since i was admitted to a psych ward, when this used to happen very regularly. I cant let myself get back to that point. I don't want that ever again in my life. I want that part of my life to stay as part of my past, and never be an option for my future.

Okay so I've been sitting here writing this with my Ipod blasting pretty loud, and some of these songs have really gotten to me as I've been writing, but this one is messing so bad. I need to be okay... i need to deal with this, accept its happened and its done and over and nothing i can do can change that. I just feel those emotions i felt as i walked out of that hall for the last time that i had to contain, keep inside and hide but now they are coming out. crying again, the lyrics said i have never felt this way before, but really i guess i have, alot, too much actually. In the end i didn't want to leave that hall. I didn't want to walk out. Didn't want to walk away and i had to.  I gotta try calm down and settle myself as all these tears, and getting myself all upset and worked up ain't gonna help me, ain't gonna help no one. Some of the words that were said during VMT would keep me going all day, until i got home, for the week til i was there again, but now I'm clinging on to memories and stuff that are just upsetting me... its over, its ended, but i don't know how to make myself accept this and let it go. I have no clue, yet i have weeks of trying to do this alone. Part of me thinks i need to get this out so it doesn't build up and make me explode, but part of me wonders if this is just bringing me down? i feel like I'm being tormented, listening to evanescence.... and i relate to this song to... because i do feel and worry that I'm going under. I want to trust myself. i want to trust my instinct, i want to be able to let people near me to help me, to deal with my past, to heal accept and move on but when it leaves me feelign like this i don't know that i can.

Final home work task for VMT - GOODBYE!

I was pretty upset, emotional and angry also when writing this... just a word of warning... I'm gonna post the writing tasks about the actual ending process and then next how I'm feeling now...

I've just typed out what I wrote... I have read it and wanted to add a note here before you read it. I wrote this on the night of week 9, with only one week to go until the goodbye. I was really upset and hurt and clearly i wasn't thinking the most rationally. I am still, here, ok a week and 1 day later. There is some intense emotions and expressions in here, could be a bit full on for some, its just how i felt at the time... I'm about to do my next entry now tho about how I'm doing today...

GOODBYE.....

I choose to write in blue coz it fits my mood. This word...Seriously? lets just head fuck me some more. I make it clear to everyone that this shit messes with my head, and this as the final piece? Like how the fuck am i supposed to process a writing task about this.... and ending in one week? I don't have anyone really i can talk to about this shit. Its already a massive issue that I have been trying to deal with this year, especially the last few months. I fucked up again. I let more people near me that is leading to yet another lot of goodbyes, months of fucked up thoughts, tears day and night, pain agony, and that re-occurring theme of grief, of loss, of the endless list of goodbye's i've been made to say, or never been able to. You know what? I'm really fucking pissed off about this. 


This fucking writing task adding to my pain. Making me think of even more people, more situations that are upsetting me, making me mad, making me want to self destruct. If i didn't want to fuck up yet another goal, coz i fail and fuck up pretty much all my goals. But im achieving this.... I HAVE TO.... I am holding on to being able to cut again. I cant wait for that release. I feel like writing a list of all the names, people, events creating an expressional piece of art work with my skin, blood and a blade. i've cut peoples names into my legs before when the pain of loosing them is fucked, full on and intense. I feel like doing it again. Like a hall of fame list, except my list will be a hall of pain and shame. 


I wish i could erase the whole concept, the word, the meaning, memories, emotions everything around the "goodbye" word. I fucking hate it. It makes me so mad. it hurts like a fucking bitch. it irritates me, it pisses me off because i fall for peoples crap over, believeing them when they say that they will be there for me. But when it counts no-one is. Like classic example, today after leaving VMT, i spent 2 and a half hours calling people and could get on to no one. None of the people i even left messages for called me back. I was battling with urges to cut, i was battling with eating, my head messing with me, despite being hungry i could not eat because i had such an intense hate and disgust for myself and my body going on. I was freaking out about KK at home, and this whole VMT finishing shit. I was a mess. Trying to keep it together. I couldnt bring myself to get on that train. Yet sitting there with a constant stream of trains was triggering me so bad that i wanted to say goodbye to the whole world as i pictured myself going under one of those trains. 


It will be easier when VMT finishes, there will be no-one checking in on me, so if i feel the need to say goodbye at least it will be easier. For once i wont have to deal with the pain, it will be other people getting a fraction of an idea of how much all these goodbyes hurt me. Coz its really fucking painful. These "goodbyes" aren't fucking good so the word is fucking stupid and makes no sense. I never even get a chance to deal with, to recover from one goodbye, before another 1, 2 or 3 are forced upon me. Seriously fuck it. This hurts. I'm better off being a hermit. keeping my walls up, building them up, making them stronger and staying silent. Fuck this. So mad, so upset. I cant even explode because if KK sees me upset she will want me to stop writing thinking this is making me worse, which yes in a way it is, but now this theme is well and truly stuck in my head. Its in my head even more then it was when S mentioned VMT only having 3 weeks left. Fuck i am so mad for ever opening up, to B, to S, to the girls, I wasn't going to, i crumbled, fucked up my plan, let down my defences and have left myself feeling vulnerable and hurt all over again. Will i ever learn? No probably not, until i stop talking.