Okay so its now wednesday... I'm not sure what I'm planning to write at this stage.... I'm just gonna write and see what comes out... there's been no planning involved here. I have been pretty emotional and well and truly all over the place over the last little while, but especially the last week or so. But i want to point out i have stayed safe for the ppl who expressed concern about how i was doing... im here, okay and alive...
I guess i handled the actual session and goodbye thing on Monday okay, alot better then I thought I would, (with the aid of lots of support and a Valium). I went into that room in the morning, not sure what to think. I did know one thing. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to get emotional. I didn't want to let anyone any closer to me as it was already hurting alot. I ended up having my walls smashed down by miss S again... must say i wasn't to impressed that she got me talking, and was even less impressed she got me to open up and had me crying there in front of everyone. I felt like a total tool to be honest. Part of me desperately wanted to speak but I also had part of me not wanting to allow any more connection or closeness to occur because it hurt so bad. I walked out during it at some point when it all got to much. I sat out for some of it as i couldn't bring myself to participate so i just sat there in my seat lost in my head and they did stuff at the other end of the hall. I know at one stage there was lots of screaming and yelling randomly out of nowhere that scared the shit out of me. I don't like yelling at the best of times, but when it happens out of nowhere in a room like that, shit man it freaked me out. It felt weird, because i couldn't hear what was going on down the other end of the hall then i just heard all this yelling. Guess in a way its my own fault for not telling anyone about my fear of people yelling, and about the whole hearing issues but i managed to get through the ten weeks, no hearing aid, massive ear infection and it only got to me a few times that i couldn't hear what the hell was going on in that room.
I had to turn up on Monday as when i was upset a few nights ago i spent a few hours making cards with some of my scrap-booking stuff for all the girls and S & B in a way to try and make the whole closure thing a bit easier. I think it did help, but not really sure. I wanted to be able to give all the girls their cards and i had to be there to do that. I didn't want to have regrets for the next however many months or years or the what ifs? i had to go and give myself a chance to deal with and try say good bye and get closure.
I went out with the girls after VMT for pictures at a Japanese photo booth, and then had lunch with some of them and spent some time in the city which was good, but i still don't know what to think. Its still hurting a crazy amount. I'm still really mad at myself for allowing any sort of connection, bond, attachment, or whatever people want to call it occurring. I wanted to go there and not have this happen, just learn ways to cope better, but im really really confused.
I mean its really hard in that environment to not let this happen, with the people being who they were. I dont know. I think miss S has a lot of explaining to do, she seems way to good at getting stuff out of me and getting me to say stuff i don't want to, or normally wouldn't share. I've never known anyone to be able to beat my stubbornness like that. Generally if i havn't wanted stuff to come out it doesn't, but somehow she always seems to get it out. Then B also . . . she saw me in a really vulnerable position, she came with me, took me to the hospital after week 1 of VMT when some stuff came up that really triggered me and i had to go to E.D at R.B.H. To be honest the bits i remember i was terrified, i was not really sure what was going on, what they were going to do to me. I was in a lot of pain with my back. I had all these horrible memories that had come up during VMT in my head, but I was also bombarded with memories of take downs in mental health units in the past, of being held down and jabbed, of being in seclusion, being strip searched, being made to have E.C.T (shock therpay - aka fry my brain), having meds forced on me, being punched by random other patients when in P.I.C.U. being treated like shit, all because i was so unwell i wanted to end my life. They certainly didn't help with my wanting to be alive treating me that way. I was terrified that would happen again, and B saw me when i was reintroduced to a similar environment, in a locked up assessment facility thing at the hospital. Both B & S saw some very vulnerable parts of me that not many people have, and it scared me, but i don't know. Something kept me going back each week. I think it was because i was so desperate to get a life free from all of this.
So yeah this is making much sense, im just writing as stuff comes into my head... im thinking when i read back over this its gonna be pretty all over the place....
I know i got to be strong and keep pushing on, but part of me wants to shut down so bad. I sit here and feel the tears building up again as i remember why im writing this, and that VMT is over. We have that meet up Feb some time, but im not sure what to think about that either. I don't know how il go. Not seeing them all, being in that environment, and then just start to deal with that, get used to it being over, then meet up again and bring it all back up and mess with my head some more.
Today is the 14th, so im almost at my goal of no cutting for 11 weeks.... i need to do a bit of writing and exploring about this to be honest as im a little confused about what i think and feel. Part of me knows that if i let myself cut after reaching my goal im going to have that release and enjoy it, remember it more, and want it more. That means i risk it becoming a regular habit and coping mechanism again. But then part of me thinks i need a release after all these weeks and doing it once or twice might help me to keep going over this shit time of year, and while everyone, support people etc are away on holidays etc. I know i have been struggling with suicidal thoughts a bit and in the past they are more intense when im not cutting, so im not sure whether over this time of no-one really being around whether its safer to let the build up out with cutting rather then letting the suicidal thoughts take over and that happen, since its been almost 2 yrs since i attempted to take my life, and over a year since i was admitted to a psych ward, when this used to happen very regularly. I cant let myself get back to that point. I don't want that ever again in my life. I want that part of my life to stay as part of my past, and never be an option for my future.
Okay so I've been sitting here writing this with my Ipod blasting pretty loud, and some of these songs have really gotten to me as I've been writing, but this one is messing so bad. I need to be okay... i need to deal with this, accept its happened and its done and over and nothing i can do can change that. I just feel those emotions i felt as i walked out of that hall for the last time that i had to contain, keep inside and hide but now they are coming out. crying again, the lyrics said i have never felt this way before, but really i guess i have, alot, too much actually. In the end i didn't want to leave that hall. I didn't want to walk out. Didn't want to walk away and i had to. I gotta try calm down and settle myself as all these tears, and getting myself all upset and worked up ain't gonna help me, ain't gonna help no one. Some of the words that were said during VMT would keep me going all day, until i got home, for the week til i was there again, but now I'm clinging on to memories and stuff that are just upsetting me... its over, its ended, but i don't know how to make myself accept this and let it go. I have no clue, yet i have weeks of trying to do this alone. Part of me thinks i need to get this out so it doesn't build up and make me explode, but part of me wonders if this is just bringing me down? i feel like I'm being tormented, listening to evanescence.... and i relate to this song to... because i do feel and worry that I'm going under. I want to trust myself. i want to trust my instinct, i want to be able to let people near me to help me, to deal with my past, to heal accept and move on but when it leaves me feelign like this i don't know that i can.
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