So i read this and its gotten me thinking.....
"The skill of helping a self harmer is to assist them to express themselves in a safe and non-judging environment. Life is becoming all to busy and we are losing the art of listening and caring for each other"
I think is so so true..... i know i have found it alot easier opening up the last 10 weeks during VMT because it was a safe environment, is did feel like a non judgemental environment, not an experience i can say i'm overly familiar with to be all that honest. I didn't plan to open up, i didn't plan to let anyone near me.... My plans were actually the total exact opposite. I had no idea really what to expect from VMT but i was going into it hoping to find anything, even if it was something small to help me be able to stop the self harming stuff for good.... I was going to learn skills, tips etc to help myself but i let myself open up, share and start connecting with people which is really making it hurt like hell right now to be honest as i face the last week on Monday.
I dont want to just have to "manage" my self harming but i cant help but think thats all im going to be able to do, as i count down the days, i will have reached my goal of 11 weeks self harm free, i will be able to get my reward, my tattoo which i still need to keep designing, and i will have the inner satisfaction knowing that for a change i will have reached a goal or target i set for myself. A big part of it is that i have been held accountable for my actions. I have to fill out those questionnaires, people knew about my goal, i had people supporting me in it, it was harder to stuff it up i guess. But i sit here and i know that i am holding on for that day to come so i can once again reach for that blade that comforts me so much. I stil have never understood why i started, to be honest i didnt even know what i was doing was self harm.
I have been told that if i want to enter into that place of recovery, or healing, then i need to make a definite choice... a choice to stop, but it seems even when i make that choice i stuff it up, something happens and I revert back to old habits, i remember and re-experience that familiar feeling i get, that release, and i crave it again. Deep down i know its bad for me, i want to stop and think i will one day, but i don't think i have the strength at the moment with all the crap going on in my life. I need to know that i have that option if i feel so bad and get desperate. Most of the medical profession thinks that self harming is not "curable". i disagree. I have seen many self harmers go from harming themselves several times a day to nothing... treating their bodies as the temples they should be. Self harming is a private time, where you allow yourself to admit to the pain you have inside. Its a time set aside to come to terms with yourself, a quiet space of emotional readjustment.
A definition i recently stumbled across said "borderline personality disorder can often be a person with a history of trauma and abuse and with mental traits such as perfectionism" . . . SNAP! That totally sounds like it describes me... although i hate the term borderline with a passion thats actually a reference that i can deal with.
I sit here and wonder whether to run again... turn my back against "support people" . I cant heal all the rejection, endings, goodbyes, etc. Yet part of me knows nothing is going to change if i don't allow people in to help me work through my past to get that future i sometimes see in the distance. I read this, about backing away from support and help... "You may turn your back on this for a time and feel some relief, but the issues will not be resolved and therefore will not go away. It will maintain a hold on your life, it is still in control of you and you are not free." I cant work it out, it hurts going through all this shit i am to try and get help, yet it hurts doing it alone. I'm just not fully sure which one hurts more, and i wish i could work it out.
Something else i read said a person who self harms can often appear to have it all "together". Which is what alot of people see and believe about me, but when they really take time to get to know me, or if i let them in they will soon see that this is nothing more then a front. More of my reading .... "the part of you that holds secure your nightmares must be opened up to the light in order for you to live the life you want".
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